How to Deal with a Stubborn Special Needs Child: Practical Strategies That Work

When your child with special needs refuses to do homework, throws tantrums at mealtime, or shuts down when asked to get dressed, it’s easy to feel like you’re fighting a losing battle. You’re not alone. Many parents of children with autism, ADHD, intellectual disabilities, or sensory processing disorders face the same daily challenges. Stubbornness isn’t defiance-it’s often a communication breakdown, a sensory overload, or a cry for control in a world that feels unpredictable. The goal isn’t to break their will, but to build a bridge.

Understand the Why Behind the Behavior

Stubbornness in special needs children rarely comes out of nowhere. It’s usually a response to something deeper. A child with autism might refuse to leave the house because the noise of the street feels like a drill in their ears. A child with ADHD might shut down when asked to clean their room because the task feels overwhelming and disorganized. A child with anxiety might cling to routines because change triggers panic.

Look for patterns. Does the behavior happen after school? During transitions? After loud environments? Keep a simple log for a week: note the time, what happened right before the refusal, how long it lasted, and what happened after. You’ll start seeing triggers. One parent in Dublin noticed her son with nonverbal autism would scream every time she asked him to brush his teeth-but only after dinner. Turns out, the minty taste of toothpaste clashed with the flavor of his evening meal. Switching to a flavorless gel solved it.

Use Visual Supports to Reduce Uncertainty

Many special needs children struggle with abstract instructions. Saying “Get ready for bed” means nothing if they can’t picture what that looks like. Visual schedules change everything.

Create a simple picture schedule using printed photos or free apps like Pictello is a visual storytelling app designed for children with communication difficulties, allowing users to create custom picture sequences with voice narration. or Boardmaker is a widely used tool in special education for creating visual supports, including schedules, social stories, and communication boards.. Break down routines into steps: 1) Put on pajamas, 2) Brush teeth, 3) Read one book, 4) Lights out. Let your child check off each step with a sticker or Velcro square. This gives them control within structure.

One mother in Cork used this with her 8-year-old daughter with Down syndrome. The girl used to resist bedtime for 45 minutes. After adding a visual chart with photos of her own bedroom and a reward of five minutes with her favorite stuffed animal after lights out, the resistance dropped to under 10 minutes.

Give Choices, Not Commands

Telling a child what to do often triggers resistance. Offering choices gives them a sense of autonomy, which reduces power struggles.

Instead of: “Put on your coat.”
Try: “Do you want to wear the blue coat or the red one?”
Instead of: “It’s time to clean up.”
Try: “Do you want to put away the blocks first or the cars?”

Limit choices to two or three options. Too many can be overwhelming. The key is that both options are acceptable to you. This isn’t about letting them run the show-it’s about giving them a safe way to feel in control. A study from the University of Dublin’s Centre for Autism Research found that children with autism showed a 67% reduction in meltdowns when given structured choices during daily transitions.

Use Positive Reinforcement That Actually Works

Praise like “Good job!” is too vague. It doesn’t tell the child what they did right. Effective reinforcement is specific, immediate, and tied to a real reward.

Say: “I saw you put your shoes on without me asking-that’s exactly what we practiced. Great job taking initiative.” Then hand them a small token, a sticker, or five minutes of iPad time. The reward doesn’t have to be big. For some kids, just a high-five from a parent is enough.

Use a token system. Create a chart where they earn tokens for calm behavior, completing tasks, or using words instead of screaming. After five tokens, they trade for something meaningful: a trip to the park, choosing the family movie, or a special snack. Keep it simple. A 2024 review of behavioral interventions in Irish special needs schools showed that token economies improved task compliance by over 70% in children with moderate to severe developmental delays.

Build Calm-Down Routines Before Problems Start

Waiting until your child is screaming to try calming them down is like trying to put out a fire after the house is burning. Prevention is everything.

Teach a go-to calming strategy when they’re already relaxed. Practice deep breathing together. Use a “calm-down jar” filled with glitter and water. Let them shake it and watch the glitter settle while you count to ten. Play soft music. Use a weighted blanket. Some kids benefit from deep pressure-hugging tightly, rolling under a pillow fort, or lying under a stack of books.

One father in Galway started using a “calm corner” with sensory tools: a beanbag, noise-canceling headphones, a fidget spinner, and a book about feelings. He didn’t force his son to go there during meltdowns. Instead, he invited him to use it during quiet time. Within three weeks, his son began walking to the corner on his own when he felt overwhelmed.

Stay Calm, Even When You Want to Yell

Your child picks up on your stress. If you raise your voice, they interpret it as a threat. If you freeze or walk away, they learn that tantrums make you disappear.

Practice grounding techniques before you react. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, out for six. Say to yourself: “This isn’t about me. They’re not being bad-they’re struggling.”

If things escalate, it’s okay to say: “I’m going to sit here quietly until you’re ready to talk.” Then do it. Don’t argue. Don’t negotiate. Just be present. Often, the child will calm down faster when they realize you’re not going to escalate.

Collaborate With Their Support Team

You don’t have to do this alone. Teachers, therapists, and behavior specialists have tools you can borrow.

Ask your child’s speech therapist: “What words or gestures do they use to say ‘no’ or ‘I need a break’?”
Ask their occupational therapist: “What sensory tools work best for transitions?”
Ask their teacher: “What happens right before the outbursts at school?”

Share your log. Ask for consistency. If they use a visual schedule at school, ask if you can use the same one at home. If they get a break after math class, ask if you can build in a five-minute break after homework. Alignment across environments makes a huge difference.

Recognize Progress, Not Perfection

You won’t fix everything overnight. That’s not the goal. The goal is to reduce the frequency, duration, and intensity of meltdowns. Celebrate the small wins.

Did they take three deep breaths instead of screaming? That’s progress.
Did they say “I need space” instead of throwing a toy? That’s huge.
Did they sit through dinner without leaving the table? That’s a win.

Progress is rarely linear. Some days will be better. Some days will feel like you’ve taken ten steps back. That’s normal. What matters is that you keep showing up, stay consistent, and look for the tiny signs of growth.

Take Care of Yourself Too

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Parenting a stubborn special needs child is exhausting. You need rest, support, and space to breathe.

Join a local parent group. In Dublin, organizations like ASD Connect is a community-based support network for families of children with autism spectrum disorder, offering workshops, peer mentoring, and monthly meetups. or Down Syndrome Ireland is a national organization providing resources, advocacy, and family support services for individuals with Down syndrome and their caregivers. offer free weekly meetings. Talk to someone who gets it.

Schedule one hour a week just for you-even if it’s sitting in the car with the windows up, listening to music. You’re not selfish for needing this. You’re essential.

Next Steps: Start Small, Stay Consistent

Pick one strategy to try this week. Maybe it’s a visual schedule for morning routines. Or offering two outfit choices. Or adding a five-minute calm-down break after school. Don’t try to fix everything at once. One small change, repeated daily, creates lasting progress.

You’re not failing. You’re learning. And your child is learning too-just in their own time, their own way.